A Vision Of My Past

I woke up recently in a bit of a hazy state - this was not alcohol induced, rather due to a baby child - and as the world came into clear view I was momentarily taken back to my childhood bedroom. What I could see from my bed, something about the way the door looked, or how the light and shadows were cast, made my think I was back home waking up in Cheltenham. But not like waking up in Cheltenham now (as I still do when we visit), but the view from bed just as it was when I was young (the bed was in a different location then). It even had the feeling of my bedroom when I was young. I couldn't work out how old I was; it was exceedingly visceral like a super strong bout of deja-vu. As I came round and managed to work out that I was in Cambridge and that I was now grown up, it did make me more than a little sad for the time past. As if my inner child, the me who I was, slipped back into the distant past after having just moments before been here with me. Perhaps I will have more of these as I get older, will they make me increasingly sad for the time slipping away. Realise that when I was that young boy I was well aware that I was young and that I was quite happy not growing up for exactly these reasons, I dreaded the passage of time and the fact that one day I would not be there. Was I implanting future points in my life with connections to the past? OK, gone too far there, I'm sure it was just a fleeting memory feeling which is totally normal. But I do carry that sense of sadness for my growing up and now I've created a new generation these thoughts and feelings are only more real and vivid, especially now that I witness how quickly babies grow up. A lmost terrifying.

2016-01-28